First, thank you for clicking on this article despite the heated headline. People who love Halloween really love Halloween. Our HI Digital Director, Pixie, even once called it her Super Bowl.

This is not how I feel.

Halloween, for me, is a speed bump on the way to the juicier holiday season. And sure, people understand if you say you don’t like Thanksgiving or Christmas. But Halloween? I have to fight for my life defending my indifference.

This shocker only comes a close second to the time I had to explain to my husband’s New England family that I don’t eat seafood, “But you eat shrimp, right?”

When the subject matter of Halloween comes up and I'm revealed as the Anti-Halloween Grinch that I am - without fail, people respond with: “But Alice, you love dressing up!”

Yes. As me. In the words of RHOSLC star Lisa Barlow, I want to look like myself.

For those who don’t know, Lisa Barlow had an iconic meltdown in Palm Springs last season on RHOSLC when asked to put on drag make-up for a game. I have never related to a housewife more – a fact I’m not proud of… Please enjoy Kristen Wiig re-enact it on WWHL.

But this wasn’t always the case! Like every other kid, I looked forward to Halloween all year.  What I wanted to dress up as changed with the wind depending on my current interest du jour. A cat, Princess Jasmine, Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie.

Maybe I just really wanted a pair of harem pants?

But at some point, something shifted, and quickly Halloween became something I not only didn’t look forward to – but actively dreaded.

My first instinct is to blame it on the fact that I’m just not very good at Halloween! I often picked costumes that were too esoteric, even as a kid. One year, I dressed up as OG American Girl doll, Kirsten Larson. I spent the whole time trick or treating correcting my neighbors that I wasn’t some generic “Pioneer Girl.” Please.

Or the costumes would be too similar to what I already wore. Edie Sedgwick, Margot Tenenbaum. As someone who has a blonde bob and regularly wore leopard coats – these were hardly costumes.

"But don't you see my eyebrows are black instead of dark brown?" I'd insist while trying to convince people of my Edie Sedgwick costume. 

And then those horrible, haunting words would be uttered, “Alice, why didn’t you dress up!” A cardinal sin at my arts high school, where Halloween was a huge deal.

Me as Little Edie from Grey Gardens

Suppose I was to take a psychological approach to this. In that case, I’d probably link it to the fact that my father passed away only a few days after Halloween when I was fourteen. A Halloween spent bedside in a hospital would taint the holiday for even the most committed.

But in all honesty, it was happening before that. I don’t think I dressed up in middle school at all. That seems right. Middle School is the time in your life when trying at anything is so profoundly uncool. And Halloween is all trying.

"Maybe deep down, I cannot handle the fact that other people are getting so much attention for their outfits and that I’m being looked over."

But once I got to high school, like I said, Halloween was a big fucking deal.

Costume contests, teachers dressing up, and a big party at lunch where people would perform for the “Halloween Happening.” This is really when I solidified my hate of Halloween. I’d try, but I’d always end up feeling uncomfortable and out of place.

And maybe, if I’m being very harsh and critical of myself, I would say it takes away one of my most valuable superpowers. What I wear. Maybe deep down, I cannot handle the fact that other people are getting so much attention for their outfits and that I’m being looked over.

But that still doesn’t ring true. On any other day, I’m happy to dole out compliments and shower praise on anyone wearing anything that catches my eye. I never feel like one person’s fabulous outfit takes away from how cute I think my outfit is.

Which brings me back to Lisa Barlow.

I think at the core of her meltdown is my truth.

I like to look a certain way. I like to look like myself. I’ve done a lot of personal work in therapy and a lot of sartorial work in my closet to be pleased with how I look.

And although I love clothing and fashion and getting dressed – I like to do that through my own lens.

So now, I sit out Halloween costumes. I agree to watch a scary movie with my husband and eat some candy corn. (Yes, I do like candy corn.)

But for those of you planning to fill the streets of West Hollywood dressed as Chappell Roan or slutty Moo Deng, I salute you. 💜